Samara in LA?
Whats up my people?
As you all probably know, or don’t know since we don’t like to publicize where we’re going before we go there, we went to see a “concert” this weekend. We figured it’d be good to go out for a night on the town. Unlike our normal glam outfits accompanied by silver and gold clutches, we decided to dress down so as not to be noticed by the common people of Beverly. BUT OF COURSE, YET AGAIN, WE WERE SPOTTED. I don’t get it, does our hair just glow and give away our identity? Whatever. One guy in the band, completely trashed might I add, thought it’d be OKAY to come over, introduce himself, tell us that we are beautiful (that’s a given, you don’t need to say it), and then proceed to ask us to come to a party after the show. Seriously? We barely have time to see this unsigned band’s show, let alone do favors for poor guitar players. So of course, we declined. Maybe next time, Big Bird. But probably not, we’ve got really booked schedules until July 2012.
On a more entertaining note. One of the performing bands thought it’d be a class act to stand up on stage and make high pitched noises and call it music. The lead singer, who had long black hair (which was totally uncombed and untreated) covering his/her/it’s face while he/she/it proceeded to wail unwanted noises that would scare off my poodle. I’m telling you he/she/it was a devil worshiper, and he/she/it was Samara from The Ring. So, yeah. We waited patiently drinking our wannabe spiked Shirley Temples and Roy Rodgers like the good celebs that we are for this horrible torture to come to an end. Luckily we got a picture of this creature, so all of you can pretend or wish that you were a part of our night. Which, as a reminder, you weren’t.
Don’t see anything? Clearly you need to get your eyes checked.
That’s all for now.
oooooo (is there something in your pocket?)
Essays kill. What kind of sick teacher would force a CELEBRITY, especially of my stature, to write one? No respect these days.
Diva is a female version of a Hustla
So big news has just hit Ten 204….we have a new addition to the Q.
She steals the spotlight
And she goes by the name of DIVA
SHES A FISH
and shes sassy as hell. Us Ten 204 girls need to let some angry energy out on someone…(so we make a good impression in public) what better than a fish who sasses you every morning with her suicide attempts and ‘whatever’ attitude? We all have to admit though, she is quite fabulous and fits in perfectly with the Q. Next time you want to check her out, come over! (No civilians please. She probably won’t like you anyways)
Keep on Swimming
oooo (ten feet away, thank you)
P.S. We also got a fish named Chris Sunspot Schtizo…but no one cares about a fish who’s parents are siblings.
Wait, I’m not done.
So me and my girls were just chattin’ and genuinely are concerned for our population. We were watching the Bible on TV (aka Teen Mom) and felt so sad for those four women. Farrah - in debt?! Could possibly not know the father of her daughter?! She’s definitely a lady of the night. Catelynn - not over Carly, darlin’? Just buy a new damn thing! They’re not that expensive and people look at you with great respect if you adopt from China. Amber - Good job on losing all the weight, girlfriend! You have been our inspiration to go on a lemon-juice and watermelon diet for the next two weeks! Oh but word of advice, it isn’t very celeb-material to publicly hit a man— even if it is Gary. And finally, Maci - HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THAT BEAUTIFUL HUNK OF A MAN FOR A GUY IN TENNESSEE WHOSE PARENTS ARE SIBLINGS. Seriously, Kyle, you look like a bulldog…
And can we please talk about how last episode you talked about how you don’t know how to eat? Please, even I know how to eat and I have a personal assistant who feeds me. Get a clue, Kyle.
-Alaho. Too tired for kisses.
I’m really sore.
Anyone wanna give a celeb a free massage?
I’ll smile at you for payment. No pictures though.
Tips: How to Talk to a Guy
Wanna know how a real celeb talks to boys? Well I can’t let you know who this conversation is with, but let’s just say this guy and I have a past. Clearly, he still wants me. This is how you play hard to get on FB chat:
****, howre you doing?
pretty good pretty good
are you still in **?
nicee and hows that
its good! i mean im slackin really hard with work haha but its good
where u working
no like school work haha
staay on poinntt
i know right
Well, looks like SOMEONE’S sprung. Doesn’t he get I’m not looking for a relationship?? Now I know I at least have someone to call at night when I’m REALLY desperate.
xxxxx (only on the cheek) Alaho
As I sit here alone (in our mansion sized apartment) trying to figure out what to do for my celebrity charity work, I can’t help but look up at the ceiling. DUE TO THE FACT THAT ALL I HEAR IS BUM BUM BUMMM BUM (imagine that’s the bass of someone’s stereo!) I do not understand our unclassy upstairs neighbors. Don’t they know that as a celebrity I don’t get much free time to myself. It’s hard enough to concentrate throughout the day with my phone constantly going off and my IM chat beeping at me all day long due to my popularity. So much for a quiet night in.
As someone famous like me once said: “Less is more.”
You probably think that San Jo is in a coma since it’s been ages since she said what’s up. But here’s the more serious accusation: that Portlandia doesn’t even exist. We try and get her to be nice and let the public know what she’s up to, but she claims she’s too famous and too busy for it. But seriously this Tumblr account is the best community service I’ve ever been a part of. (Besides giving free makeovers to underprivileged private-school kids in Beverly Hills). Normally I don’t allow threats, blackmail or any form of backstabbing, but in this case I think it’s earned. Here is a picture of Portlandia. Now you know what she looks like in person: stalk away my fellow commonfolk. While I sit here enjoying my chardonnay and Project Runway, Portlandia will have to be planning her next day’s outfit so that no one can notice her.
Karma’s a beeotch my fellow FF.
Alaho ooooo (don’t linger)